- Do some research to obtain background information on both the boy and the girl. You may want to inquire from people close to them or themselves. Familiarize yourself with the boy´s and girl´s resume - mother´s and father´s name, detailed backgrounds, what they are doing now, where they daven, their best attributes, and why you think this is a shidduch that you can actually see happening. Be prepared with references - teachers, rebbeim, mechanchim, friends, neighbors, roommates, relatives, colleagues, etc. If the parent provides the references, please ask them to discuss it with their child. Preparation is the key to success. Success doesn´t always mean consummating the shidduch, it means that whatever was basherte happens - as long as you, the shadchan, does it right!
- When redding a shidduch start off with a compliment to the parent or the available single. NEVER say hurtful or insulting things. It is not wise to ask the parent or the single about looks. If you must know, try to find out from others. A tremendous Chesed like this is definitely maximized when done with sensitivity!
- Call at a time and place when you can really listen and respond properly. Never apply pressure! Just say “You don´t have to give me an answer now, obtain information, and I will call you back in five days.” If there is no pressure they will enjoy talking with you. After five days, make a follow-up call - again do not apply pressure! Let them know that even if they don´t have an answer yet, you are available to help in any way. In the event that your suggestion is rejected, don´t show disappointment - they might be in the middle of another shidduch, waiting for an answer from someone else, or just not ready for this shidduch at this time. Don´t twist any arms or Chas Vesholom ever say anything hurtful. If after several months they are both still available, you can call again- this time might be the right time.
- Be discreet! If you are working on a shidduch and meet the aunt, sister, grandmother, etc DON´T discuss it with them. Many families keep these issues very private and it would be extremely inappropriate for news to be coming from the shadchan.
- If one side was rejected don´t agonize over telling the other side. Everyone gets rejected! To make them more comfortable, you may say “They don´t want to pick up on it right now - maybe they are waiting for an answer from someone else, or “They are not sure it is a fit, so for now they will start with something else”
- Very important - Never lie! The other party will lose trust in you and it is hard to keep track of lies. The only time one may say a white lie, according to the Chofetz Chaim, is in order not to embarrass a person.
- If a boy and girl are ready to meet, be very clear about the logistics. Don´t be vague about time - schedule an EXACT time. Know the details about parking, whether to use the side or front entrance of the house, special instructions or directions, etc. The boy should be given a phone number to call if he runs into a problem. If parents will be coming with the boy, discuss the seating arrangements in advance. For example, if there is a vase in the middle of the table, ask the hosts to remove it, the boy and girl should be seated where they are visible by both parents, and the seating should always be at a dining room table - never on living room couches.
- After a meeting or date call the boy first thing in the morning between 8:00 and 9:00a.m. The girl should be called immediately thereafter and should be told about the boy´s decision. If one side still needs time, you may convey that message to the other side by saying “ The boy needs to check with his Rav” or “The boy needs to discuss it with someone” or “The boy needs some more time to think about it” or even that “The boy is unreachable”. Don´t prolong communicating! Take a telephone number, including a cell, from both sides where they can be reached during the day and stay in touch! Let both sides know that you are on top of it.
|
